eclipses & treading water

I sit here with my iPod on shuffle (a little Will Smith, Sugarland, Train, etc), a turkey and pastramie wrap in front of me and wonder how I let myself get here. By here, I mean, in a funk, one that borders on mild depression. One that I had sworn I had overcome.

Perhaps it’s all the rain that we’ve had this summer. Or maybe it’s the struggle between me and the “brain candy” books that I tend to turn to in order to hide from life. Or perhaps, its the fact that I thought I had it all beat and let my guard down. Maybe a combination of all three.

Having once been in the clutches of a depression once or twice before I know that it is an incredibly slippery slope. One that can derail you and send you spiraling downward without too much effort. It causes dark clouds in the mind that can cause an overshadowing that can rival even a solar eclipse.

The last itme I found myself in this funk was during a period of time that my hubby had no work for 7 months. The only thing, I thought, between us and a life of living in our truck, was my two jobs. At the time I was working the equivalent of 1.8 full-time employees. I would go to work in Vancouver for a full shift, go home for an hour and head off to another job til midnight. At the time I thought I could do it, it was after all for only a short period.

Time marched on and the few short weeks I thought it would be dragged on for months. I was wearing myself out, and it got to the point where my husband drove me to and from the second job because he thought it would be safer than driving myself. He was right. I was wearing out. Mind and body. I eventually got to the point that I was almost completely conviced that God had forgotten us; that our prayers were falling through the holes in the floor of heaven.

I could not see the provision of God in the circumstances. I could not see that we always had food on the table; that the house was still ours; that my husband was being pulled back into God’s embrace and that their hearts were once again entwining. I couldn’t see it. An eclipse of the heart. Barely treading water.

It took two years for me to stop being sideways with God; to start to trust in his provision again.

Now, here I am again, wondering, treading water, and trying desperately to hang onto the hands that are extended. Like a finger tracing a spring, I find myself in the same place yet at a different level; a different vantage point. Clinging to a tenuous trust and clutching faith like a life preserver. Hearing God say, “Let go, I gotcha”.

“Fall into me
My arms are opened wide
And you don’t have to say a word
Cuz I already see
That it’s hard
And you’re scared
And you’re tired
And it hurts
And I wanna be the one you reach for first” (Sugarland lyrics)


  1. Hey Michelle, sorry to hear about this. I’m praying that God will open doors for your finances.

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