The day that I have dreaded, & possibly even feared has come and gone. My husband’s project is now done and it is time to play the waiting game once again. I know I’ve been here before, but it never feels easy. Kind of like traversing a spring, you hit the same spot over and over again just at a different angle.
I find myself feeling anxious, fearful even. What are the coming days going to be like? How will we manage? When will he be working again? All these questions swirl around in my head with many more until my head hurts from it all. I’m starting to stress eat (so not a pretty picture), and my sleep is fitful.
I know that in the Bible in the book of Matthew, we are told to not worry. I know that. But it feels like a head knowledge rather than heart knowledge. I once had that heart knowledge, and each time Shawn would be out of work I would tell the worriers, “God will provide” and truly believe it, and He did. What happened to me that I have to struggle to have even a modicum of faith in His provision?
“But Chele, He’s always provided, and has always pulled you guys through.” I know that too, but my head seems to forget each time it comes around. It feels like the water’s rising, and I’m struggling to keep my head up so I can breathe; my legs and arms are treading the water, but they get weary.
And now in the midst of that storm, comes another one. One that involves my hot water tank, and a lot of dripping water. To top it off, my beloved is sailing the gulf islands with our youngest and her grade 8 class. Where is the money going to come from?
Lord Help Me! Help me like You said You would! I’m struggling here to not doubt as Peter did when you called him to walk with you on the water.
I feel a little like the leper that cried out to Jesus, wondering if He heard, would He pay attention to a lowly person like me, or would He just walk on by like so many others had before Him. Yet, I am not that leper, for I know that He does answer prayer, He does hear, and He does intercede on our behalf. This is something that I need to remind myself of daily, hourly.
I hope that like the leper, who was healed along with 9 others just like him, that would turn to Jesus, and with a heart of thanks, bend low, and say “Thank you”. That I don’t appropriate what He bestows upon with a sense of entitlement, because I am a co-heir with Jesus.
Help me Lord, to learn once again to rest in your embrace, and leave the battle, and the provision to you.