I have been struggling these past few months; struggling to trust, to lean, to listen, not only those around me, but God as well. It seemed so difficult to let go of all my worries and cares and to trust in God’s ability to provide and to carry all that we had in our lives.
Hubby’s project had wrapped and the future seemed so uncertain. The climate in his industry was not what it had been and now the concern that he may not get more work seemed to grow.
“But Chele, God has always come through for you before,” people would tell me.
“Yeah, but the breaks never seem to be any easier to take or to process,” would be my answer.
In my head I was listing all my “What if’s”. What if God didn’t this time? What if Hubby was off for an extended period of time again? What if we didn’t have the funds for gas, how would I get to work? What if we couldn’t afford groceries? (This one had me not eating for a few days, as if that would stave off the impending famine) What if…? What if…?
I wasn’t always like this. I used to have much more confidence in God’s provision. I would smile with confidence at those that came with their own what if’s and say, “Don’t worry, God will provide.”
I guess you could say life did.
We had a period of about 7 months where Hubby had no work. This was about 6 years ago and it left an indelible mark on me.
During that time I worked two jobs, on full-time and the other almost full-time. We had thought that this would be temporary, a month or so tops. As time marched on, my belief in God’s provision developed some serious fractures. I almost had myself believing the God had forgotten about us and that our prayers were being sent back with ‘Return to Sender” stamped on them.
Perhaps this was because I was so tired physically, mentally and spiritually. Perhaps it was a subtle lie that got lodged in my head. Perhaps. Or it was a combination of it all. Whatever the case, I honestly lost sight of God, His provision, and His ability to turn it all around.
Push forward to this year, and when Hubby told me he was laid off yet again, my thoughts went down that familiar track, “What if…” being the sound the train made as it chugged down the line, leaving even deeper ruts as it traveled one more time down the same track.
Our needs this year were huge. Finances to finish paying tuition, finances to fund a business trip to Quebec, property taxes, high school graduation costs; the list seemed endless and had huge price tags attached to it. It looked insurmountable. Then came the accountant’s news that Hubby’s tax return may be held up by 6 months due to the possibility of audit.
I tried desperately to derail the ‘What if’ train. I tried to remember those scriptures that speak of His provision, His goodness. Some of what I remembered sounded more like the refrain of some old Sunday school songs, but I took what I could get. We set the matter to prayer, and asked people to join us in getting those funds released.
“Please Lord” became my refrain.
That was almost 3 weeks ago.
Last week BOTH of our tax returns came through!! Oh how we rejoiced. They came through with no fanfare, no notice, and just in time to pay the school on the last day of classes.
School paid. Chek.
Property taxes paid. Chek
Finances for business trip. Chek.
One by one they were marked off and with each chek mark my soul felt lighter, and my heart felt like it was healing; fissures that were once gapping now felt repaired.
I learned, once again, that He IS Jehovah Jireh, The Lord Who Provides. He is the One who will see to our needs, and will see to it that every need is met. He knows my need because He sees. He is able to meet our need in just the right time and can meet it fully.
“The Lord is good-indeed, He is a fortress in time of distress, and He protects those who seek refuge in Him”