These past weeks, okay months, have found me grasping for calmer waters. Life has felt once again (still?) very big and full on. Almost too big. There never seemed to be enough time to write, or even to just breathe.
The Hubs has been out of town more than home this year. This is not something I enjoy as it seemed like every time he left something would happen, some crisis would occur, that I would have to deal with on my own. This did not make for a happy momma.
Several things happened all around the same time and caused me to feel like I was going to “tap out” and hide in a hole. I can’t get into what happened right now as things are still new and raw, but suffice to say they were big and affected the whole family.
Hiding seemed like a very real and viable option for a while, but then I realized that didn’t work out too well for me the last time. What, if anything, could I change to help me not get to that bad place? I knew I had to change my way of coping but how?
I ended up coming up with a bit of a compromise with myself. I still hid, but I hid with a different mind set. I hid with my crochet hook, a passel of yarn and music. In those moments that life seemed so big and overwhelming I pulled away and played music that ministered to my heart, my mind and my soul.
And in some intangible way God met me there. He met this over cooked mamma who was furiously crocheting and granted a measure of peace. He helped me to let go of things that were, and still are, out of my grasp to deal with. He then started working in the situation and moved obstacles, shortened waiting lists, made room available, and just when I was feeling so stretched as to feel see through, He made a way for me to breathe and, for a window of time, relax.
In those moments, God was helping to me to learn to once again trust in His provision. To trust that He WILL take care of things. That when I draw near to Him and take care of the things that matter to Him, then He will take care of the things that matter to me.
He once again began to repair the cracks in my foundation. Yes, cracks. They happened when a severe storm came my way a ong time ago and things were shaken more than they had ever been shaken. Bit by bit these cracks are being repaired, sealed, and made stronger; shored up if you will.
My challenge now, in this time of relative calm, is to continue to lean in, to listen, and to release to Him the cares of heart. It becomes a bit more difficult, as the business of life pulls and drags at me, but time spent with God, just Him and I, has to become a priority; a given, and not just a casual thing, or a something that I may fit in when I have the time. Room has to be made, and attention paid if I want to see lasting change in how I view Him, view my family and view the world.